A Eulogy: the Penultimate of Goals

I just realized that every, and I mean EVERY, book I've read on success, investing, and business always has a section on Goal Setting. It doesn't matter if the author is a steady investor, a speculator, or Rich Dad - they all say that without goals, it won't happen.

Yogi Berra says, "If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there?"

More on actual How To for goal-setting later. First, I want to talk about a part of goal-setting, the Eulogy. The exercise goes - imagine you're sitting at your own funeral. People are getting up and talking about your life and how you affected them, giving eulogies. What would you like to be remembered for? What do you want people to say about you? Write for them - what would you like the following people to say:

1. Your partner or spouse
2. Your child
3. A co-worker or business partner
4. A stranger, someone who barely knows you
   

Now, I've thought about this a bit but never really did it. About five months ago, though, I saw the perfect example, with Paul Newman's passing. Read through that article - it's amazing. And look back at the list above.

1. Married 50 years in "one of the most successful marriages in Hollywood"
2. Newman's daughters described him as a devoted husband, a loving father, an adoring grandfather and a dedicated philanthropist.
3. Awards and kind words from co-workers and Hollywood in general, including an Oscar
   
4. Some 135,000 children have been able to go to summer camp for free because of Newman's Own
   

Any one of those would be a great accomplishment. All four, and more!, is absolutely amazing. For more on his entrepreneurial success, read here and this book, here.

So what would you like people to say about you? That you 'got by'? That you 'did okay'? Settling for getting by is aiming for mediocrity. And once you know where you're going, it's much easier to recognize the road signs. It's time to sit down and write out what you want to be known for, and start making it come true.

Beliefs Can Literally Make Your Day

“You experience what you believe, unless you believe you won’t, in which case you don’t, which means you did.” This is from Harry Palmer of Avatar, who has an "interesting" history. Be that as it may, this is an excellent quote on positive thinking.

The underlying idea is that your beliefs create your reality. Now we have to look at 'reality' a little bit here... To borrow from ACIM, I'm going to use reality as the world we see around us, everything separate, and our eyes trusted; and Reality as a deeper truth of metaphysics - everything interrelated and requiring the perception of our intuition and feelings.

So, at the level of reality, your beliefs affect you, not the world. Even here, your beliefs change your perception of and your reaction to the world. Therefore work on your beliefs changes the world for you. Consider an example - 'I can't pay my bills'. If this is your belief, you miss possible opportunities to get out of debt. If someone presents you with an opportunity, the usual reaction is, "I can't pay my bills, how could I afford that!" Thus it has become self-fulfilling by closing your eyes to any other possibility.

At the level of Reality, we are a part of everything around us. If that is true, then we have a strong influence on the world, similar to the influence you have on getting your sister to turn on the lights for you. You ask, and she (probably) is happy to help out. Thus 'I can't pay my bills' attracts more bills to you; it tells money to stay away as this is what you're calling to. As long as you hold that belief, the world agrees. And as soon as you change that belief, the world agrees.

Which means whatever level you live at, beliefs control your reality. And you control your beliefs! By changing your beliefs, you can change your reality. Now, how do change your beliefs. Well, first you have to be aware of them. You can't change what you don't know about. Once you've found a belief, then you have to decide if it's helpful or harmful, and then decide if you want to lose it. Luckily, by looking at how you feel about your belief, you can see whether you want it or not. Notice how 'I can't pay my bills' makes you feel. How about 'everybody in this town drives crazy!' Or try 'this is a beautiful day, and I'm lucky to be here.'

As the adage goes, nature abhors a vacuum. It's nearly impossible, if not impossible, to drop a belief. It's much easier to overwrite one. That's why Affirmations are so popular. You (or a coach, partner, etc) find some belief that isn't working, turn it around into a positive affirmation, and slowly overwrite your initial belief. You can't believe that you are smart and stupid (for example) at the same time, so one will win out. Which one is up to you.

Your beliefs were given to you by trusted sources: parents, friends, teachers, life experiences. Can you be your own trusted source? Maybe, but it's harder. If your teachers told you that you were stupid, you're going to have to work hard to convince yourself otherwise. But you can. Do things you know you can do; challenge yourself a bit and see that you can do things you thought you couldn't; daily tell yourself how smart you are; have an experience proving you are smart; ask your friends to let you know when they see you do something smart. It'll take a while, and we're good at undermining our own efforts, but with work you'll do it.

Then you'll start to see the world differently - through 'smart' eyes. And you'll find all kinds of opportunities to show everyone how smart you are where you used to only see how stupid you could be. As Paulo Coelho says in his great book The Alchemist, the world wants you to succeed.

Thank You

I just finished reading here about a High School friend I haven't heard of since, well, High School. He wasn't a close friend (did I have those in High School?), but on hearing his name, I could instantly see his face, and that quirky fun smile. I could hear his voice. And, while I don't really remember any specific shared activity, he was definitely a good memory of school.

He just passed away last week. At the time I read about his passing, I didn't know who it was, and posted this in response:

Wow, congratulations for having a friend like that! It sounds like he really added to the quality of your life too.

I had a good friend pass away during my first year overseas. His memorial was a marvelous experience. We spent the whole time looking back at his life, all he’d done, all he’d touched, all his friends and family. He was mid-30’s, and had lived more than most people I know.

I guess I’m saying Sparky is where he is now. The memorial is for you and the people left behind. I hope you can help make that another lesson on how to live life for his friends. Compare this life with one of ’someday I’ll go do…’. Wealth is thoughts, not things, and it sounds like he was quite wealthy. Keep your memories of him, and share that wealth.

“Those that fear death are not living life.”

It's interesting how my thoughts changed upon realizing who it was. I still agree with what I wrote, but it's more personal now too. In some ways, it's more true. I don't spare a lot of thought for those now gone, but for my memories of them. As he lives on in my memories, that seems the place to put attention to honor the lessons.

I have had conversations with friends, deep discussions that have opened my eyes to new ideas, changed my mind, or otherwise affected my consciousness - driving down the road alone. We don't fully experience anyone: we make up our minds about them, build up a personality for them in our mind, and occasionally actually act like we're completely on the same page. So 'Sparky' is alive and well - in the minds of hundreds or thousands of people affected by him. That's certainly where my sadness and hurt are right now.

And my joy and appreciation for having known him, and remembering the time I did have with him. Thank you for letting me know you.

Book Review - Loving What Is

Loving What Is by Byron Katie was recommended to me when I was having a particularly stressful time around money. I’ve got to say that, while the money problem is still here, my ability to handle the stress has improved greatly – which gives me more opportunity to take control of the situation. And I really do have this book to thank to a large degree.

Byron Katie is a fantastic woman who really has a great view on reality. Basically, the crux of the book is that reality doesn’t cause our problems, it’s our expectations on reality and our reaction to reality that causes the pain. This mean our challenges are in our mind, somewhere we should be able to affect!

What Is Loving What Is?
Loving What Is is based around four simple intended to bring your thinking in line with reality, and thus remove the cause of our pain. The Four Questions are:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true?
3. What happens when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Then comes what Byron Katie calls the turnaround – now that you understand what you thought, what is really there? It’s a chance to look more deeply into yourself, and find the source of that thought – probably another thought that would be more useful.

For example, “That idiot cut me off” is a variation of “People shouldn’t cut me off.” With the questions, it becomes:
1. Yes, of course it’s true!
2. Well, I guess not. I mean he did cut me off, so obviously at some level he SHOULD have…
3. When I believe the thought, I get mad. That doesn’t feel good. I don’t drive as safely either.
4. Without that thought, I would be still relaxed, driving safely down the road.

Now the Turnaround
People do cut me off, so what should I do? Let them! Then there’s no anger or danger, and I don’t care any more, so no negativity. Just slow down, relax, and drive safely…

It really does work – now there’s a little less negativity in your life. Next, you can apply it to family, friends, money, work expectations, and so on. Really, you’re learning how to handle when your expectations and reality don’t meet. Read Loving What Is for a lot more ideas and examples. Buy the book, so you can refer back to it, and check out the website here.

Living Well Rule #1: Know Yourself

It was really interesting. I had just gotten back from a trip through Greece and Turkey, and was looking over my pictures. I had picture after picture of the Blue Mosque, the palace in Istanbul, Bosphorus Strait, and the Parthenon. And here was one picture of me on a beach in Mykonos, a Greek Isle in the Aegean Sea.

I wondered why I had so many pictures of building, ruins, and famous places – and yet only one of this gorgeous beach. Had I forgotten to take pictures here? Obviously I had. And yet why?

It came to me slowly, through several conversations with friends over the next week. The other places were beautiful, and everyone was taking pictures of them, so I went along with the crowd. Not overly interested, I walked, half-bored, taking pictures of buildings that drew so many people year after year.

But the beaches and natural beauty of the Aegean Sea was breathtaking. I’ve realized that I’m a lover of the natural, the eternal. Man-made objects, no matter how spectacular, historic, and famous, just don’t have the same pull. Give me white, sandy beaches with a few tropical trees and I’m in heaven. A sunset over the sea, SCUBA diving amongst coral beds, or hiking to a distant waterfall – these are the things I want to experience.

And this knowledge of myself has been very good for the pocketbook. I have little interest in big, expensive touristy areas. Disneyland, or the Great Wall, or any famous building - I don't need to spend my money there.

I live at the beach, in a small town - and have all the natural beauty and free vacations I can handle. When I'm stressed out, I just grab my camera and watch the sun set. I go for walks on the beach with my family, or sit next to a stream.

So take the time to get to know yourself, and save yourself time and money most people spend chasing things they don't really want.

New Year's Rituals?

Tonight, as a part of our New Year's festivities, we'll be having a bowl-burning ceremony. The idea is to add meaning to this rotation of the sun, which ends this rotation of the earth around the sun. Really, it's just another moment in time. But since we have decided to end the year at the end of this day, it seems like a good time to add more meaning.

Adding Mythic Meaning
So we'll add mythic significance to today with ritual. We'll prepare a bowl with sand, write down any part of the last year that we don't want to carry with us into the next year, and burn it. Let it go up in smoke, and let the feeling go from our minds and bodies. Let go of these things we don't want to carry into the new year...

Then we will write a letter to ourselves / to God, asking and giving intention to what we would like in the upcoming year. We will strengthen in our minds what we want, and give ourselves a written reminder - that will be delivered in six months. Thus we have put it into our mind now, and added a level of accountability or a reminder for ourselves halfway through the year. I might also go into the steps I outlined in my New Year's Resolution post - breaking my plans into quarterly and monthly goals to check in on.

What will others do?
Anybody else out there in Blogland? What are your plans for today? What will you do to make the passing of the year more mythical and significant? If you have a similar idea, how will you enact it? If you have something completely different, what will you do?

Please post a response, and let us know how you will 'bring in the new year'!